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Can the neighbors hear us?

Disclaimer: If this post makes sense it is a miracle!

I just realized ....

We have a monitor receiver outside so we can hear the twins when Rylee and Reagan are playing outside. I was outside with the girls when Mark went in to deal with Madison crying. The high heart rate alarm went off, and it was very loud. I will mention too that he locked us out by accident. Now I'm wondering how many conversations (Mark and I speaking as we feed the girls) our neighbors have heard. And wondering if they think there are serious issues in our household. I can't remember specifics of our conversations, sometimes I dream about them not knowing if they actually took place or if I just want them to. Do they hear the alarms, the slap happy dialect we often speak these days, the snapping at Rylee to keep her feet off the twins heads. Us loudly questioning the toddlers as to what they are doing. Quietness is just as dangerous as loud crashes and booms. Yes even the S.E.X. talks. No, dear you will never get it again until you get snipped!!! Are you crazy?! Have you completely lost your mind?! Oh yeah we did that when we found out we were having twins. Oh and realizing we have four under three.

I try to get on online groups for support for situations like ours, to no avail. I feel foolish to even post. Most people with twins are going through it the first time with no prior children. Some are going through it with one 4 or 5 year old. They don't know how to keep going. They are all sleep deprived and going nuts. If I say we have 4 under 3 they are going to call the mental institution on us. All the websites say get as much rest as possible, eat well, and get out alone and do "me" activities. Who are these people talking to?

On the flip side... Reagan gives the best smiles, the greatest giggles, awesome hugs, and such a vibrant, exciting outlook on life. Rylee sings "You are my sunshine" (most of the words and in tune) to the twins when they fuss. I watch her "feed", "burp", and "coo" at her baby dolls. So gentle and caring. She knows who is who better than daddy and I, just by listening to their "words" in another room. The girl is smart, she traces letters to words in her coloring book with such precision. And when mommy is feeling blue she hugs me with such "adult" concern. She has an uncanny ability to lend a hug or caress when needed, as other family members can attest to. She leads Reagan by hand away from "things" she ought not do. She engages her in chase, a favorite.

One of my favorite shows, Brothers and Sisters premiers next week. A family of five siblings. Lots of drama and lots of love. I want that, well NO there won't be five siblings but four. I just hope and pray we survive this trying time in at least a few pieces that can eventually be glued or taped together. I know we are going to have lots of stories to tell and laugh about. I know we are going to have glorious times. I know that even in these desperate hours that I fail to share with the world will either be funny or a misconstrued dream someday. I realize that my memory sucks, my house is in total disarray, kids are resilient and that horrible phrase " This too shall pass!" will not bother me or come to pass. Oh and that some day my legs will be consistently shaved, I'll fit into my favorite jeans, I'll feel like an incredible woman and wife and mother and my husband will make enough money for the mommy makeover (tummy tuck and boob job).

It has been two years since my daddy passed away. It hasn't gotten easier yet. I think about how I wish he could see his granddaughters. How proud he would be. I know he would be here to help get the kids into trouble and how unfair it is that he is not here. He was a stubborn man and I feel that if he went to the doctor for his "heartburn" he would still be here. I guess that is why I finally made an appointment for myself. I also know in my heart that he is watching the girls and watching me.

Well, its feeding time yet again.

Signing off
I love my girls. I miss my husband. I miss me.


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