You learn a few things about yourself as you proceed through life. Some you knew all along but never realized until an event or series of events brings them to light. For instance, I now know that I really can't pull off stoic. Humans generally want sympathy/empathy, even the ones who don't admit it. Well, I guess I am a whinny sympathy seeker even though I would rather be stoic. Wouldn't it be nicer to have everyone say "Wow, I can't believe that you did all that yourself and are still sane." than "I sure feel for you, you whinny, weak, little baby." ? (I should have paid more attention in English class. How do you punctuate that last sentence?) I wear my emotions more on my sleeve than I would like.
I fear that this blog has become one big whining session, but I still like to think of it as therapy.
I tease Kari about being a worrier, but the truth is that I am probably just as bad. I read a post last week by a woman with preemie twins. One of her twins was having life threatening issues at 36 weeks adjusted age (Time from the due date as opposed to actual age). Right now we are at just over 8 weeks adjusted age and so I worry about what other issues we might face down the road. I have no reason to suspect that our girls will be anything other than fine, but I still can't help but worry about their future. The "what if" haunts me. I always tell Kari that we will worry about issues as they arise and there is no point in worrying until there is something to worry about. Now if I can just listen to my own advice, that would be great.
I realize that I have taken the time to type all this, when I really don't have the time, because it is keeping me sane. A little self therapy. And I like to think that the family and friends are enjoying it, even if it is only because they are thinking "better them than me." Have you ever had so much to do that you do nothing? I am there at the moment, trying to muster the energy to wash the dishes, do some laundry, pick up all the diapers that I dumped on the floor, and vacuum. Right now I have a blinding headache and Madison is screaming again...
I have found that children are easily distracted. And it is better to distract a child out of an unwanted behavior, like a tantrum, than to raise your voice and sink to their level. That being said, it can be difficult to step back and control those situations logically when stress levels are up. And the more stress you have, the harder it can be. I have sometimes been short with my two older girls over the last month and I hope that they forgive and or forget. I am sure that when they have kids that they will understand. I pray every day for patience, stamina, and wisdom to be a good father and husband.
Kari has been struggling with postpartum depression. I have not mentioned it till now because I was not sure how much she wanted to world to know about it, but since she is talking about it in her next post I thought that it would be ok if I put in my two cents. The doctor has proscribed an antidepressant for her and it seems to help somewhat. He says that the postpartum depression and the stress are making her MVP worse and the medication should help with the chest pain. He also says that if it continues, it can lead to angina. (I worry about that too.) I think that Kari was feeling like a failure because of the depression. That she should be able to deal with all this without any help, that she is weak, but the fact is that she has really stepped up to the plate and been a great mother. Even without postpartum depression this would be a tough job. I don't think anyone could do what she has done any better. For the last week I have been taking the graveyard shift while she has been dealing with the infinitely more difficult waking hours. The last several days I have taken the 5 a.m. and once the 8 a.m. feeding to give her some more sleep. While she has gotten some more rest, she then has to deal with all the girls awake at the same time while I sleep. That is quite a task, especially with Reagan cutting some more teeth.
She mentioned that she was troubled by the fact that she felt like she was breaking down and I was showing no emotion. I am feeling it too, but I was going for "stoic." Maybe I do pull it off better than I thought. There have been a few times that I could have just left, but I could find my keys. (It has been a month now since I have seen my keys. I think they went to live with all my unmatched socks.) 
Tonight was a prime example. At 8 p.m. I was trying to put Reagan to bed, because she wouldn't stop crying, and I could not find the right sized diaper for her. After emptying the whole drawer on to the floor I found one and got her off to bed. However, before I could even get to the top of the stairs, Madison's heart monitor was going off. I came back down stairs as fast as I could to find that Rylee had dumped a SAM'S sized box of Cheerios on the floor. (I think that Kari took the time to get a picture) I felt like climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head and just forgetting about everything and everyone. So I can relate, and that brings us to the fact that we really do need to get some help here. I will redouble my efforts to find someone tomorrow.
It is really hard to find the time to do even the things that really need to be done, like finding some help. My late night schedule has not helped in that regard. By the time I get up more than half the day is gone and it is now the busiest time of the day for us (except for the 8 a.m. feeding, which Kari handles on her own.) I don't even know where to start looking for a nanny. I guess I will call Kelly back, because I lost the number to the one nanny that she knew. And Kelly says that that nanny has another job lined up and was not sure how long before she started the new job.
I almost forgot... The girls.
Madison is now noticeably larger than Jordan. We have not weighed them since the last doctor visit but both are growing. Madison had a couple of apneas the last two days. I can't remember if I put that in the last post. I really though that she was past that. Jordan is also still having apnea. Last night she had two in a row. Very disturbing. We have gotten used to the alarm going off when we hear Madison cry, but the alarm out of the blue from Jordan's side of the room sends my heart rate through the roof.
They are both fussing more now. I almost can't believe that they have both been quite for the last 20 minutes. Jordan has a much tougher time eating than Madison. She, Jordan that is, vomits at least once a day. As a result I am much more careful about how much I let her eat and wonder if she is getting enough. I guess as long as she is growing that is good. It is hard not to compare her to her slightly older sister. I bet that will be the case for the duration of her life.
Well it has taken three nights to complete this short passage and I will leave it at that.