How many times have you flipped that little latch down to hold the gas pump open and thought that you might be able to run in and buy gum before the tank is full? It is not the smart, safe thing to do, but I have done it. 99 times out of 100 it clicks off by itself, but that one time that you don't watch it is the time that your gas tank overflows onto the ground. I will draw this together to make my point, but first for a little back ground.
The twins have been fussy all day. They normally take turns fussing and that is not so bad. Today they have been ganging up on us. I must have jinxed myself when I teased Kari this morning about being vomited on three times. I didn't sleep well and was a grouch all day. The twins have not improved my humor. However, we finally got the big girls tucked in, Grandmom in bed, and Kari in bed and I was ready to settle in to the night shift. Both twins were crying as Kari climbed the stairs to turn in. I was sure that they would start to settle down, but they didn't. I spent about 30 minutes running between the two, trying to keep them calm enough not set off their heart monitors. So I decided to start feeding them an hour early. I started with Madison because she was louder. She drank about half and was acting like she needed to burp so I propped her up on my shoulder and started thumping on her back. After about five minutes of that Jordan's screams could no longer be ignored and I put Madison on the bed. I changed Jordan's poopy diaper and started to feed her. Now Madison is crying, really letting me have it with both barrels. So I propped Jordan up and put the bottle in her mouth with those handy bottle holders that Kari bought. I was sure that I could get Madison calmed down before Jordan got too full. Usually she will spit out the nipple if she needs a burp. (do you see it coming?)
Madison would not give me a burp so I tried sticking the bottle back in her mouth. She must have burped when I wasn't paying attention. So, I propped her up for hands free feeding and went back to Jordan. The next sound that I heard was a sharp inhalation. You know the sound you make when you see your kid has climbed to the top of the stairs on the outside of the railing or discover that your dog has eaten your precooked dinner right off the counter (he did that tonight). You know what I am talking about? Anyway, that was the sound I heard from myself as I looked at Jordan's bottle and saw that she had consumed the whole thing without a break. That meant that I was handling unexploded ordinance.
I had no time to get the bomb suit on, I was going to have to defuse this right now or it was going to go off. Do you cut the red wire or is it the green one? I removed the bottle slowly. She was sucking in air on top of the whole bottle that she just downed. I paused, squinting, head turned, waiting for the eruption. Nothing. Okay, maybe I can do this. I slowly picked her up. So far, so good. I put her to my shoulder. Nothing yet. I gave her one pat. There was a gurgling sound but no explosion. I gave a second pat and BOOM! There was vomit everywhere. Most of the first heave glanced off my neck and cleared my shoulder. The liquid shrapnel made a splashing sound as it impacted the carpet. The secondary explosions were less forceful but I caught the full brunt of them. I felt warm liquid fork into two streams. One flowed down the front of my chest and the other cascaded down my back into my shorts, continued down that natural channel that God created, and pooled in my boxers.
I burst into laugher or maybe it was tears. I guess it was a little of both. I stood there dripping wet, head hung low, just waiting to see if the storm had passed. First I cleaned the child then I removed my shirt. Now it was in my hair. Great! Now I am standing there, my hands held up in front of me like a surgeon who has just scrubbed in, the vomit on my back has run down under my arms and Madison spits out her bottle and starts to howl again. What to do? I guess taking care of the child is the most important.
Madison has always been better about eating and much less vomiting than her sister. It was nice to know that she only needed a burp. She didn't even eat the whole bottle so there is no way that BOOOM! Vomit everywhere! Yes it followed the path of least resistance and traced the path down my back that was already wet.
Well at that point both girls were a little bit more comfortable and remained semi quiet while I showered. But the back and forth calming one then the other continued where it had left off as soon as I got dry shorts on.
They are both crying again.